Indoor Tree

I'm watering an indoor tree

It will grow big and strong

But will never grow free

It will one day be tall

And tower over all

It may reach the ceiling

But then it must fall

It will never see sky

Never will it be climbed 

And never will weather 

Cause its demise

Instead it will end

At a limit we made

The room may be filled

But the tree will remain

No open zone

Into which it can grow;

Nothing more now than a monument to regret 

Yet I water it still; I provide its rain

Though futility rings strong in my mind

A futureless tree with roots ingrained

Weak and subject to the weathering of time 

More Philosophical Musings: The Experience Machine

Today, I came across a very interesting little thought experiment while reading through my Philosophy texts. It's called "The Experience Machine," and it was proposed by Robert Nozick in 1974. It runs as follows:

Imagine, if you will, that we live in a far future which possesses the technology necessary for an "Experience Machine". An Experience Machine would be able to plug into one's senses and allow them to experience, well, anything. Because it would run directly into the five senses, whatever one would choose to experience would be completely indistinguishable from reality. You could use it for something as simple as a simulation of a vacation of a few hours, or you could choose to live in the simulation. One great application that was discussed was the virtual house; a house that is in reality constructed by cinderblocks to be indestructible, but made to look like a beautiful condo with the machine.

Nozick then asks this - would we prefer to live within the machine, or in reality?

My knee-jerk reaction was no. Even if it looks like a beautiful condo, I'd still know that it was a cinderblock cave within. But then, I realized that it would likely be furnished within through some digital means. It would probably also be much safer than an actual house built for beauty rather than to withstand the elements. So, in this situation, I suppose I wouldn't actually mind having to "live in the machine"; I surprised myself here.

But Nozick meant a deeper question when he asked it. We're humans; if we have the ability to simulate reality, where will we stop? Houses are fine, but what happens when we choose to simulate life itself? What about when we simulate a happy marriage to avoid a lonely life? When we choose to educate our children not on campuses, but in entirely virtual schools? When we realize that we will eventually die in reality, which will not necessarily occur within a simulation? If we choose to live within the machine, it'll be awfully hard to get out. As they say, the genie won't go back into the bottle easily.

There are a lot of problems stemming from this. The ones that really stuck out to me, though, were those involving the individual living within this society. Will society ever even see each other? Will we only know fellow humans through avatars? Will we even know that it was ever different? Will children play with balls and toys anymore, or will they even know what playing is? Will they even want to play? It's not hard to see what could go wrong with a meshing of the virtual and the natural. There are many positives that could come of it; it's just a matter of where we as a species can draw the line. And as shown by our track record from imperialism to concrete jungles, we're very, very bad at drawing the line.

I have no doubt that we will eventually encounter some sort of simulated reality of this kind as technology continues its swift crawl out of the primordial ooze. The question is less of if, or even when. Instead, it's how we will approach such a thing. Philosophical thought questions such as these are interesting when defining the human experience, and it's even more interesting to probe into humanity's future.

Personally, I'd like to think that we as a species have a bit more foresight than I've given them credit for. Hopefully, should such a machine appear on the horizon, we would take considerable precautions to avoid the things I've talked about. But even if we see virtual houses popping up on the hillside and virtual cities just behind them, there's still a comforting thought to be had: even in a world in which we can control reality, we as individuals can still remain in control of our own lives.

The Ghost of Positivity

I sing a language I don’t understand

Going home was never part of the plan

I was a happy boy, now I’m a bitter man

I thought I’d never change

My life’s a blur, days blow right past

I’m sailing with a broken mast

I’m moving forward, but not too fast

I’ve found this world is strange

Lately it’s been hard to see

The path that lies in front of me

The ghost of positivity

Or whatever remains

I push ahead, but tenderly

In case there’s pain past what I see

I want to write the story of me

But I don’t know what I’d say

I sing the words I cannot say

And home’s a place too far away

I was happy there, and I’m happy today

Life can always change

Martin Luther King, Jr.: Politician of the Century?

I'm a Political Science minor. Why? Because it's fun for some reason. Boring details about politics are pretty interesting to me; even more so is when I'm able to make connections between past political schema and those of today.

Case in point: Martin Luther King, Jr. I just finished reading a few of his texts, most notably his last book Chaos and Community: Where Do We Go From Here? This book is particularly politically charged. The average member of the American public knows MLK for his (not to be in any way downplayed) contributions to the 1960s African-American Civil Rights movement. He made a name for himself by standing apart from the angry crowd, preaching peace rather than uprising and voting rather than rioting.

It was these ideals that influenced King's thoughts on national politics, which he covers in the book. Perhaps the most interesting idea he posits is that of "assisted autonomy". Here, he talks of individual liberties. He acknowledges the benefits of a welfare state, but declines the idea; he brings up a very contextually relevant point about abuses of a welfare system by both the poor AND the rich, which could and should be brought up in congress today.

A man, says King, is most fulfilled when he is his own master. To this end, King offers several ideals. Obviously, the idea of a man being his own master regardless of skin pigmentation spits in the face of the racially charged segregation of the time. He argues that a man who is able to provide for himself and his family will be a much more active and contributing member of society.

To this end, he submits an idea that I personally love: the guaranteed minimum wage. The solution to poverty is rather simple, King thinks: give a man a wage upon which he can COMFORTABLY live (not an hourly wage barely scraping $10) and he will in turn give back into the nation's economy. He talks of turning the noncontributor into the consumer. And unlike the majority of today's far left, he doesn't advocate giving money out for free. He emphasizes that earned income will be spent much more furtively for both the individual and the country as a whole.

Today, we have politicians pushing agendas like they were grocery carts. Almost nothing can get passed without some manner of inane compromise or hidden salary increase for the members of the voting council. Worst of all, most economic decisions (Obamacare, food stamps) are made with the business class in mind rather than the poor. In today's world, the poor can't be helped unless the rich are doubly compensated, or at least unhurt. Paying workers a livable wage and reducing a CEO's salary? It'll never fly. Not, at least, while said CEO funds election campaigns.

King was a politician unlike any other. Instead of claiming to be a "people's champion", he was a champion of the individual. He believed in every single American citizen, black white or orange, and their guaranteed right to a happy, autonomous life.

What's more, he advocated for an alternative. In today's day and age, could an MLK have the same impact? Perhaps, but it would be rather hard to get past our stubborn two-horse system that likes to paint the world as black and white. MLK, on the other hand, paints in shades of grey.

Going off of that, it's very important to note that King was a man of intelligent compromise. I don't mean the shifty "compromises" that often come off as business deals in today's politics. King explicitly promotes aspects of both communism and democracy - in the middle of the red scare. He's unafraid to not only understand the opposing view, but to integrate positive aspects of that view into his own. This is the sort of intelligent politics that we are desperately in need of today.

Our modern world could take a cue from the selflessness of King. It's easy to forget that while speaking on all of those controversial topics, he was facing racist hostility at every turn. He was a man of both strength and wit. Most importantly, he was a man of ideals. He wasn't a religious fundamentalist, though he proudly practiced his own personal faith. He didn't fight back when his own race spat at him and refused to vote in the "white man's game". He stuck to what he knew was right.

I'd like to close with a quote from the man himself that I absolutely love. It's an important one to keep in mind in today's world. Hopefully a lawmaker will run across these words as he passes yet another bill to pad his pockets at the expense of the nation's poor and desperate. We would be blessed to have another politician such as King, but until we do, his words will hopefully do more than enough:

"When scientific progress outruns moral power, we end up with guided missiles and misguided men." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Lonesome Smile

Such a frantic society, this

We race the night

Just as we do

The hands of the clock;

We do win some;

We lose some, too

And still we wander

Bright with youthful wonder

And young adult hunger

Through each passing night

In search of

A lonesome stranger

A girl whose eyes twinkle

Beside the fire escape

Or a friend of a friend

From another state

Someone not unlike yourself

A lonesome smile upon their face

Love's all we want
In whatever form it takes

Another's company -

Noncommittal though it may be -

Is that which fuels

The core of every human being

The essence of attraction

That thing we call love;

Whatever that thing may be

I've yet to see it;

Could you show me?

Dysthymia; That's a Big Word, Isn't It?

Many of you now know that I've been dealing with manic depression, or dysthymia, for several years. That wasn't always the case; I remember carefully stepping around eggshells to keep it hidden from all but my closest friends throughout high school (my family included). But recent times and developments have persuaded me that, rather than keeping my problems hidden, I should be more open about them in order to foster a climate of warmth and positivity around me.

Today, I screwed up in that respect. I blew up at one of my best friends over minutia that I'd been brooding over and building up for weeks. In that moment, there was nothing but chaos for me. I mean that literally - I've been prone to blackouts at my peak emotions for some time. This usually meant during panic attacks caused by anxiety, but this was different. I didn't feel the familiar forced clench of my fist from hyperventilation that has always heralded an attack.

Rather, once the fight began and my voice was raised, things went dim. I only remember a rouge curtain over my vision peppered with flashes of light and a loud ringing that quickly overtook reality. I didn't even remember what I did during the actual fight until those present reminded me after I found myself on a couch I had to be led to, still shaking and partially blinded.

As I said before, I've decided to be more public about my problems in this manner. This would have been an isolated incident previously, but I'm finding a solace in writing about it. After I staved off a panic attack by writing eight pages of disparate and meaningless thoughts, I came to the realization that writing was my best medicine in these times. This post itself is therapy to me.

As such, I'd like to talk less about the actual blackout (because that still frightens me) and more about how I plan to avoid more of them. This was a negative situation, but I'm choosing to take the best from it. I did learn a lot about how my mind works from it. You can learn a lot about a machine by figuring out what causes it to break.

I'm, unfortunately, a very self-depricating person. The best way I can describe my thoughts on a daily basis is as a nagging middle-school bully sitting behind me at all times. My depression can manifest as a wayward thought second-guessing myself. "You may have aced that test, you lucky bastard," he'll taunt, "but good luck on that final! You're going to need it, stupid." 

More often, though, it's less blunt. It's a constant reconsidering of reality. A friend will compliment my shirt, and I'll remind myself that it'd look better without my fat ass belly bulging through it. I'll meet a girl and as she smiles at me I'll run through thirty reasons why she'd never date me. I'll show a friend a song, and if they don't like it, I'll delete it from my playlist and convince myself it was shit anyway.

As the years have gone on, I've become more and more worn down by these thoughts. I've found myself with trust issues by the dozen. I wake up every morning and end up working on my hair for an hour because maybe a new hairstyle will make me hate the way I look a little less. I've learned to give up and move aside rather than speak my mind, because I'm terrified that they might run away if I do. After all, if I don't love myself, why would they?

That's the long and short of it - I don't love myself. It's painful to admit, but I've wished upon countless shooting stars and tossed coins that I'd wake up one day and be somebody else.

If you didn't know that about me before now, I'm sorry you had to hear it. But, luckily, this isn't going to be a sad blog post. Instead, I'm ready to stand up straight.

There are going to be bad days and good ones, but I'm not going to allow myself to make good days bad anymore. I'm not going to hold myself back because I've convinced myself it was a stupid idea anyway. I won't tell myself I can't or that I'm not capable. I'll eat all three meals because I'm not that fat, and I can skip a workout and not be a failure. And, no, my face isn't perfect. My hair won't ever do exactly what I want it to do, my acne scars aren't going away without some laser surgery, and looks-wise I'm certainly no James Dean. But hell, I'd say I look pretty okay.

These are the things I will be telling myself from here on out. I'll remind myself multiple times a day. I've already been doing so, but it's all too easy to lapse back into depression. It's even easier from there to fall into hopeless desperation, and I refuse to end up in that place again.

I can't say what the future will hold, but I'll face it with conviction. From here on out, you might see me smiling a bit more. You may see me wearing things that I want to wear, because damn it I want to. If I give you a seemingly random compliment out of no where, here's why: nothing makes me happier than making another person smile. Besides, isn't that the golden rule? Treat others the way you'd like to be treated. I'd like to treat myself better, so I'll treat the world likewise.

There are two post-its on my bathroom mirror as of today. The first is on the mirror itself, about eye level. It has an arrow pointing towards where my reflection stands, and it reads as follows: "This guy doesn't suck." It may seem braggadocios to you, but it's a genuine reminder for me. I'll wake up and see that note every day from here on out, and I'll smile even as my brain tries to tell me I shouldn't.

The second is a bit less blunt and sits to the side of my mirror, still in view but out of the way. This one is stuck to the wall with a pin so that it doesn't fall. It reads, "Life is For Living", which is the name of a Coldplay song and a rather poignant phrase to me. Life is for living, and it's too short to spend hating myself.

I'm not going to become happy overnight, but any change has a starting line. That line was marked in ink when I marked my rib with a bird to permanently remind me of how far I can fly. I won't hold myself back anymore. Life is for living, and I'll live with a smile.